It has been a while since I’ve written a blog post. My target is three posts per week, but last week that just didn’t happen. The last week of my life has been an all-out tactical assault by Satan. And I’m ashamed to say that I didn’t even realize it at the time. My life has been consumed with “good” things all week long. I’ve been taking care of my children, spending time with my husband, getting caught up on work, even cooking a Mother’s Day meal for our families to enjoy. Yet somewhere along the way I lost sight of the BEST thing.
I have been praying and reading my Bible like always, but at some point my idle mind turned from Jesus to things. As I rocked my daughter to sleep, rather than praying like I usually do, I was thinking about the big project that I needed to complete for work. When I was doing housework or walking with my kids outside, instead of singing hymns, I was running through my mental checklist of the things that I needed to get done. After everyone went to bed at night, I completed my work projects as quickly as possible and went to bed, rather than writing blog posts to glorify my Savior.
Then one night my baby’s teething reached a fever pitch, and I was up pacing in front of her crib, wearing the carpet thin, bouncing and “sh”-ing, when I realized that I wasn’t praying. Most nights when I’m awake with one of my children during the middle of the night I pray for them. I start with their immediate need and move further into the future from there, praying for people they will meet, the husbands they will have and so on. Some nights I even make it to praying for their grandchildren. But this night I realized the I wasn’t praying at all.
As I looked back over my week, I could see with crystal clarity all the ways that I had been forsaking God for “good” things. Satan knows my weaknesses even better than I do, and he was using them against me. It took a conscious effort for me to get back into a pattern of worshipping God and fellowshipping with Him. But little by little I did it. This blog post is evidence that I’m one step closer to being back on track with my relationship with God, but it scares me to think how quickly and easily I can fall away. And it saddens me to think of the effort it takes just to get back to where I started.
I’m so grateful, though, that I serve a God who forgives me more times than there are grains of sand. All it takes is repentance from me, and He draws me in as close as I’ve ever been. He may not always answer my prayers in the way that I want. He may work in ways that are mysterious to me. He may do many things that I will never understand. But I know that He loves me and works for my good in all things. What an amazing way to live! I don’t have to worry about earning His love. I can’t. Yet He gives it freely to me daily.
Thank you, Lord Jesus, for loving me despite my faults. Please draw me to your side every day, and don’t let me stray without feeling the deep void that leads me to repentance. In spite of myself, Lord, keep me close to you always. When I fall, pick me up. When I’m weak, carry me. And when I’m stubborn, prideful and downright human, forgive me.